A blow for fifth column Brexit saboteurs today with the announcement from the Home Office that U.K. border force customs officers have begun training for post Brexit US food imports in full uniform.
”This will stuff those who say we aren’t preparing for life after Brexit right up,” Liz Truss said, in a joint statement released and read by Priti Patel.
”And what’s more no one can accuse your government of wasting hard earned taxpayer’s cash on the uniform design, as we’ve looked backwards for inspiration,” Priti Truss continued, “which is about as Brexit as you can get.”
The medieval plague doctor look is certainly flash.
We asked our resident fashion correspondent to comment on both the design and utility of the swish outfits.
“The new uniforms are certainly eye catching. They feature a classic fedora style hat and a beaked face mask that is certain to have any customs officer, no matter their length of time in post, feeling confident in their work,” Gary Searchlight commented.
The beaks come in varying sizes too, and can be chosen depending on the food being inspected.
”If for instance it’s American hormone stuffed chicken breasts then a long beak can be worn,” Gary reassured, “or if it’s Aussie beef, perhaps a shorter beak.”
And what are the beaks made from?
All beaks are made from one hundred percent British tanned leather and lacquered at a new site purpose built in Pembrokeshire.”
This will help see off complaints that Brexit will mean cheaper clothing imports from abroad at the expense of home manufacturers too?
”Quite right. With one exception.”
Which is?
”The beaks for inspecting Chinese origin, antibiotic soaked pork have been sourced from Chernobyl, as only the native woodpeckers of the famous region have mutated long enough beaks for that task.”
I’m sure no one will complain about a little international trade.
”It’s why we have to leave the EU,” Gary agreed, “we can’t comtinue to base our entire economy just on Cornish pasty exports to France.”
And how will the money saved on the design be spent?
”By Dominic Raab, on maps.”