The Easter holiday over bakers across the United Kingdom have gone back to making cold, passive aggressive buns.
“It’s a lot easier,” G Reggs told LCD Views food specialist, “do you realise how fiddly it is to get the crosses on buns while they’re still hot? It’s always near impossible to get the last nail in. Especially if you really put yourself into your baking like I do. I try and get my partner to help, but they just bang on what’s wrong with a pair of baps? It normally descends into an argument then.”
But while bakers across the land may have happily stopped producing the Easter speciality, for at least a week or two, many have other reasons to be relieved.
“I’m fed up trying to find hot cross buns with easta baked into them,” B Iffa told LCD Views, “so I can make proper easter treats by shoving them inside an EASTA EGG. If you can’t mash your personal idea of religion based on a delusion of hate and ethnicity into jingoistic bullshit, it makes it harder to spread the butter. I never get the butter to spread right when I’m not heating up the butter knife with my internal confusions and rage.”
Asked if they expect sales to drop for a few days in the wake of Easter, G Reggs was upbeat.
“I’m going to start selling Christmas mince pies sometime next week, I’m getting a jump on Sainsburys this year, they’re not churning out the Christmas lines till June this year. Slow coaches. And I’m making the Halloween themed breads this morning.”
So while some may have to wait a few weeks for the hot cross buns to return, it should at least make early morning marital disputes over breakfast easier to negotiate.
Here, have a pack of cold, passive aggressive buns. They’re good all year.