Downing Street was so on the front foot today they were a few steps ahead of themselves and in danger of tripping themselves up as they announced they are testing solutions to the Irish Border puzzle by imposing a border between Camden and Westminster.
“It’s going to rock,” David Davis said, making a rare public appearance away from the subsidised Common bar, “I was having a swift one with Boris, well, it was more like ten, but that’s by the by, and he got out a fag packet and was going to throw it in the bin.”
Mr Davis intervened.
“I said, Boris, I’ve got a pencil and we can solve the Irish Border solution right now and save Brexit.”
What did Boris say?
“He wasn’t really paying attention. He was eyeing up this blonde filly in a corner and wondering if he was supposed to be running to her or away from her.”
But a few shots of tequila later?
“We did it. As my brain fizzed I knew it was obvious. We needed a guinea pig to test solutions out on.”
You’ve got the entire United Kingdom as a guinea pig though?
“Yes, but we’re in danger of terminating that experiment early. We need a smaller guinea pig. Like a micro guinea pig. Or just a little one.”
So that is how you hit on the Camden and Westminster border idea?
“I should hire you. You’re ahead of the story at each step,” Mr Davis swayed, “send me your CV. Or better yet, find out if you’re related to anyone in the cabinet. It’s a lot faster to screen new employees that way.”
So what’s the first test?
“The hard border. Military installations and concrete walls and barbed wire and machine gun nests. Pretty much how we expect the Irish border to look by 2025 once the organised crime gets involved in smuggling when we’re out of the customs union.”
Won’t that make for congestion in central London?
“Maybe you’re not as smart as I thought. There won’t be any congestion if no one can move between Camden and Westminster. It will actually improve traffic flows in London.”
But the hard border won’t work.
“Yes it will. People will just go to the end of it and drive around. It’s bloody genius. We impose a border. We keep the DUP happy and life goes on as usual.”
But they won’t be able to drive around the hard border on the border of Ireland.
“Don’t send me your CV,” Davis sighed, “you haven’t even heard of boats.”