Michael Gove MP is promising a catch all reprisal today after reports that proper British fish are applying for EU passports in record numbers.
”Entire shoals of herring have gained Austrian citizenship last week alone,” Mr Gove blurted unfathoming, “schools of cod are currently waiting expectantly outside the Cypriot embassy in Mayfair, London. It’s an outrage. I don’t even know if cod can survive in the warmer waters of the Aegean?”
Reports are also filtering up from the deep that loch based salmon are joining the ranks of other fish making a beeline for the Maltese embassy in Balquhidder, Scotland, to apply for citizenship, along with trout and that most British of fish, the long nosed wafflesnozzer.
”Can fish even make a beeline?” Mr Gove demanded, “when I accepted the promotion to my current chairwarming at the Ministry of Pretending Mickey Cares About Green Stuff, I was told all stocks of British fish were potatoes. I mean potatriots. We will be scaling back freedom of movement for fish. If it’s good enough for 65 million British people to lose, it’s good enough for fish.”
While it’s not clear exactly what measures Mr Gove can take to curtail the freedom to roam of that most mobile of shared resources, Mr Gove is promising,
”a sea wall, most likely, starting at John O’Groats and going right around the entire U.K. to Lands End.”
The wall will be “unscaleable” according to Gove and most likely be built just behind the sand dunes, on the land to “stop British fish accessing the sea before they attempt to flee to foreign nets, regardless of where Westminster allocated and or sold fishing quotas to non-British commercial operations.”
Asked for a response to Mr Gove’s proposal a representative of proper British trout responded,
”I go great with chips,” before adding, “we intend to protest any restrictive measures placed on our migratory patterns by hurling Nigel Farage’s German burgundy passport into a google search for five seconds, as that’s about all it takes to debunk any nonsense a Brexiter spouts.”