The first great trade deal of Global Britain has already been struck. Australia has agreed to supply beef in exchange for British ball-tampering technology.
The mainstream press have pounced upon the story, in order to avoid reporting any news. Who cares that a small, noisy group of people is feeding anti-Corbyn stories to all and sundry? What does it matter that Brexit is failing? Let’s slag off the Aussies instead.
Liam Fox was understandably jubilant on all fronts. “My tickets to the Ashes were well worth the money the taxpayer forked out for them,” he crowed. “England showed them how to cheat without being found out.”
But England lost the series 4-0.
“But nobody saw them cheat!” replied Fox. “Now the Aussies ripped the ball to shreds and mended it with gaffer tape. It worked, but wasn’t exactly subtle, was it? British sandpaper, concealed in a pocket, is the way to do it!”
Tell us how the trade deal came about.
“I was chatting to my Aussie counterpart during the lunch interval,” Fox disclosed. “The beef was excellent, much better than ours. So I offered him the chance to cheat undetectably at cricket in exchange for as much delicious meat as he could spare. He agreed, and I swelled visibly with pride!”
Maybe that was just the hormones.
British beef has lost popularity recently. Cattle raised in cold, damp Britain yield tough, tasteless meat. Aussie beef, from cattle raised on sunshine and hormones, tastes of success, albeit fraudulently obtained.
A perfect metaphor for Brexit, then.
John Bull, of the Beef and Bullshit Corporation (BBC), was not happy.
“Why are we doing this?” he moaned. “British people should eat British food. Even if it is expensive and tastes of cardboard. It’s like our passports being produced in France. I thought we had got our country back!”
Empire Beef, as it has been branded, will be available as soon as England have regained the Ashes from the cheating colonials.