Pope Francis is under pressure to stand down today after saying in an interview to ‘Papal Bull’ quarterly that the resurrection was technically the second coming of Jesus.
”It’s just basic math,” the pontif pontificated, “Jesus was born after he made his mother pregnant with himself in a part of the story we prefer not to dwell on too much.
After that he ruined the business for vintners in his local area with a water to wine miracle.
He did some solid social democrat work.
He died, executed in the horrifying fashion of so many thousands of political activists under the Romans.
That was the end of the first coming. Everyone agrees. He was dead. He was buried. That’s a bit of a bookmark event.”
But surely, given that the resurrection was only a long weekend away, it still counts as part of the first coming?
”It’s too much of a fudge, ain’t it? No, the resurrection is technically his second coming.”
So what’s everyone waiting for?
”A third coming. Two thousand years now. You would have thought a man of his age could have managed it by now.”
When do you expect it to happen?
”Good question,” the Pope replied, “given the treatment he received the first time around I wouldn’t be rushing back. Would you?”
The second time ended okay.
”Yes. He learned to fly. Probably a good place to leave it. A happy ending.”
Do you intend to issue a decree pointing out the technical challenge to the accepted scripture?
”Mate, I just abolished Hell, I think I can manage a small adjustment to the maths concerning how many times Jesus has come to Earth, don’t you?”