Pope Francis’s claims that Hell doesn’t exist has raised a lot of eyebrows and caused quite a stir already, but the latest reaction beats them all, coming as it does from the Devil himself.
Speaking at a press conference, he made the following statement:
“This time, this Pope has gone too far,” he said. “You know, I actually thought for once the Catholic Church had picked an OK bloke for their top job on Earth, maybe this one might actually make it to Heaven, but he’s just crossed a line, and if he thinks he can put me and my demons out of work, he’s in for a shock. At least he will be when he joins his predecessors down here!”
Wait a minute, is he saying there are Popes in Hell?
“Oh yes! We’ve got a lot of clergy of all faiths of course, priests, imams, rabbis, preying on people’s superstitions over the ages, selling indulgences, telling people they could buy their way into Heaven. God went through the roof when that one happened. And whose job is it to deal with these turbulent priests? Me and my staff.”
This begged the question of how they are being tormented.
“Well, the scale varies depending on the seniority of the clergyman in question. Obviously the Popes being the most senior you can get, they get the worst punishment. They’re all eternally eight months pregnant. Apart from a couple of the really nasty ones who are eternally in labour, and the babies are all coming out feet first.”
That sounds painful.
“Absolutely. You should hear them whinge about fluid retention and varicose veins, it’s a hoot! Now, as it stands, that’s what he’s in line for when he snuffs it.”
Here at LCD Views we wish the Pope and the Devil a speedy resolution to their differences.
The UK is already negotiating a trade deal to supply Old Nick with vast quantities of British sulphur.