Man’s afterlife plans thrown into disarray by Pope

Nigel Farage vented his fury through the night on LBC’s ‘hate-everyone’ slot after Pope Francis threw his afterlife plans into disarray.

”This is just the sort of elitist, metropolitan, out of touch statement I expect from Brussels,” Nigel ranted, “it’s another reason to leave the corrupt, tyrannical, dogmatic, spiritually overbearing EU Holy Cee as soon as possible.

Honest, hardworking, British tithe payers can then send all their money and unanswered prayers directly to me. Or straight to the tax haven of their choice.

This will allow me to launch myself as a born again evangelical TV preacher who is damn sure about the existence of an eternal Christian hell where everyone, and make no mistake, everyone who doesn’t believe in me goes straight to Hell.”

It’s believed this will also help Nigel’s next attempt to crack America as a hate preacher.

When queried later and informed that he was conflating Brussels and the entirely unrelated matter of the Pope’s recent announcement that Hell doesn’t exist, Mr Farage was having none of it.

”People have had enough of experts.” he hit back, “expect for self-appointed ones like myself who just make things up to suit their agenda on any given day.

I have been told to go to Hell more times than any living British man who made sure to get an EU passport as soon as possible after the advisory, gerrymandered EUref.

I’ve a bag packed and I fully expect to go and party with Richard Nixon, Hitler, Vlad the Impaler and anyone else I can find down there the next time the Grim Reaper makes a play for me.”

Asked about his assertion in relation to Mr Farage, the Pope replied,

”I may have been a little hasty. I’m sure there is a special room set aside for Mr Farage for eternity.”

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