The Labour Party is on the front foot in the Brexit debate today with the announcement of a new party sponsored helpline which will tell worried voters whatever they want to hear.
”It’s primarily focused on Brexit,” Keir Starmer, official party spokesman on Brexit, told LCD Views, “although reassurance can be given on any subject.”
It’s felt the move is being made ahead of the local elections just in case punters anxious to know where the party stands on Brexit accidentally conflate the entire future of the country with local council matters.
”It’s a straightforward extension of long standing party policy,” Keir said, “if you think a senior party figure has said something that sounds like we’re enabling the Tories, and the hard right neocon Brexit project, just press one and an automated recording of my voice will reassure you we intend to hold the government to account.”
But what if you’re worried that Labour will attempt to subvert the will of the people to intentionally ruin the country to make Jacob Rees-mogg and chums richer?
You know, the decision delivered by an overwhelming mandate of f*ck all, data mined percent?
“The expression of opinion of people who didn’t take the time to understand how the fishing industry works?”
Yes.
”But went for it in a gerrymandered EUref held about fifty years ago now, without a supermajority because it was only advisory in the hope of making David Cameron’s life easier?”
That’s the one.
”Oh, then press two and Emily Thornberry will actually answer and ask you want your concern is and then soothe you by telling you whatever you want to hear.”
This is great. I’m calling today.
”You’ll feel better. The Tories have the BBC so why can’t we have something?”
You could have government by acting like an official opposition?
”Bugger. We need to add number three too.”
What’s three?
”It trolls you for undermining the leader by raising valid criticism of his leadership decisions.”
Thats not allowed?
”Gulag comrade. Gulag.”