The government is under renewed fire today over Home Office plans to replace emergency services with affirmations.
”I don’t really see what all the fuss is about,” acting prime minister Theresa May said, while attempting to convince a terrified child to approach her, “Amber and I have worked very hard on the phrases. They’re sure to be stable and certain in emergency situations.”
The prime minister paused a moment, picking up a chair by its back and attempting to pin one squirmy boy to the wall.
”Stop running away. That’s an order from your commander in chief! Haven’t these children been sedated for the photo op? They’re supposed to be e’ing off their heads by now. Who wants a cuddle? Come on you little brats.”
But when quizzed over how replacing the entire fire brigade with an affirmation was going to work, the acting prime minister attempted to divert the discussion to economics.
”Just think of the saving to the public purse? All those ghastly and expensive, brawny, uniformed, common chaps replaced by one well brought up fellow saying ‘this house is not on fire’ over and over. The house will soon come to believe its new reality and the fire extinguish itself. It will free up millions for tax relief for my husband’s clients.”
The ambulance service will be similarly reorganised. ‘My leg is still attached’. Although people will have to phone a new premium rate line in order to receive a tailor made affirmation. Average wait time is expected to be less than one week.
”If you come home to find your house being ransacked by a ner-do-well you simply invoke the phrase ‘my possession are my f*cking possessions and I’ll have your child’s lunch while I’m at it’. It’s going to make police response times the best in the world.”
And at last, with that, Ms May pinned the child to the wall.
”Quick! Get the photo before I faint from the stink.”
LCD Views commends the government’s original thinking. We believe this is a strong policy that all can unite behind.