The Northern Powerhouse is being rebooted. Unemployed coal miners from across the North are going to be retrained as social media data miners.
Minister Bernard Castle spoke to LCD’s Out In The Sticks correspondent about this exciting new development.
“We all know how many lost their jobs as the coal mining industry was closed down,” he explained. “They were promised new opportunities, and we are delivering on that promise. It is a price well worth paying for progress.”
Tell that to the miners. How can you describe the deliberate destruction of a thriving industry in order to negate the power of the Trade Unions, as progress?
“It led directly to Brexit,” he babbled. “If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is!”
But the Unions gave ordinary people a direct political voice, which the Thatcher government removed.
“Yes, but it was the wrong voice,” said Castle, speaking slowly as if to somebody stupid. “People need to be guided in the correct way of thinking and speaking. They were helped to decide, unanimously, that we should leave the EU. Which brings us back nicely to data mining.”
New opportunities, only 30 years late. Please explain how old men, once adept with pick and shovel, could be utilised to infiltrate social media accounts and analyse personal data.
“One type of mining is much the same as another,” declared Castle. “I went to the North once, so I should know! It’s all about extraction and delivery. Data mining just uses sharper, more high-tech tools. And old men are perfectly social media savvy! Look at any Brexit thread on Facepamphlet. You can spot them by the lack of punctuation, grammar and logic which are the proud products of leaving school at 14.”
The Power in the Northern Powerhouse will be supplied by power stations running on cheap Chinese coal, while rich seams of British coal lie untouched. Newcastle is expecting daily shipments.
The no-longer ex-miners will be paid according to how many floating voters they can persuade to their point of view. They will receive daily guidance from a shadowy figure in Cambridge known only as “Old Nix”.
Subverting the uncertain Will of the People. That’s a jobs first Brexit for you.