A man who has been elected to parliament, because of a comedy routine which got right out of hand, is said to be feeling better this morning after spending time with his nanny.
“I was seeing cavemen everywhere I looked,” the man told LCD Views, “not cavewomen because they are home in the cave where they should be, having cave babies. And they are to have those cave babies regardless of circumstances.
It’s their cave duty to cave God. So not them, but these scary cavemen waving about these big ugly democracy clubs.
Apparently there were tens of thousands roaming the streets of our hamlets on the weekend and without their betters permission! It’s very much my worst nightmare. Uncontrolled poor people.”
It’s believed the man has suffered from this anxiety over cavemen, or commoners as he also refers to them, ever since realising that not everyone is born with massive wealth into a chumocracy and the instinctive ability to know what is best for their inferiors.
“It’s pretty frightening stuff. All these jealous people want my silver spoon. This is why I keep it where I found it when I was born. It is my earnest hope we can get back to a time where only people born owning everything they see are entrusted to make decisions on behalf of the cave dwellers.
You know, decisions like taking away any form of support they receive out of the mistaken belief that accident of birth is a joker. Accident of birth worked out very well for me. These malcontents need to learn to have better accidents.”
So deep was the concern over the sheer number of cave dwellers who had left their caves to come out and demand their democracy behaves like a democracy, the man had to go to his safe place.
“Nanny is always there for me,” the man added, “I need her terribly much. No more so than on days when the political project I’ve put myself front and centre of in order to get even richer through creating a big calamity in the caves appears under threat.
Not only because it’s based on absolute lies, and by conning as many cave dwellers as possible, but because those lies are now being exposed before we’ve finished manufacturing the calamity! Silly Cambridge Analytica! I’m very glad my Auntie is not reporting on it.”
The man looked flushed and started to sniffle then. So we asked his nanny for comment.
“There, there Jacob poos,” Nanny said, “cavemen aren’t really real. Not anymore. There. There. Once you’ve finished your little Brexit you can start restricting their ability to vote. Won’t that be nice too?”