Everyman Iain Duncan Smith MP was rubbing his blue palms together gleefully today as he took a break from refuting specialist comments on subjects he knows sod all about to cut the blue ribbon at BBC central.
“It didn’t take me long to get here,” Irritable Duncan Syndrome commented,
“when they opened the door on the walk in fridge they keep me in at the Radio 4 Today studio I thought it was because Humphrys needed cheering up. But then they gave me this pair of long shears and asked if I’d love to stab truth and accountability in the face again?”
Of course he would.
“I must say I think it’s a great step forward for honest, straight talking governance in the United Kingdom, now that the BBC’s Broadcasting House is to be rechristened with a name that tells it like it is, just like me.”
The ceremony is scheduled for midday and all the stalwarts of British investigative journalism will be on hand. Dacre, Murdoch, Rothermere, Marr, Neil, Sarah Sands.
“I’m a bit surprised they didn’t ask young Isabel Oakeshott to cut the ribbon. She tirelessly campaigns for balance. It’s a vital part of the Ministry for Propaganda’s work that whenever an expert says something boring, a generalist like myself or Isabel is invited onto the Beeb to waffle a load of distracting nonsense in refute. It’s called balance.”
Coverage of the ceremony is expected to consume the BBC’s entire news agenda for several days.
“You won’t have us going after that Cambridge Anal stuff, or the spending irregularities in the Brexit campaigns, or the fact that leaving the single market throws 80% of the British economy into question, never mind the CU. At least we have Starmer spearheading the campaign now to make British passports in Britain.
I must say, on a personal note, I think it is very endearing how the Labour leadership say something to keep Leave voters chipper one day, and then something to appease the overwhelming mandate to remain in their membership.
With this sort of cynical spin they’ll do a fine job convincing people that eating out of bins is actually healthy, once they take over from our shower of a government.”
LCD Views would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the BBC on its evolution out of something that used to upset all political parties, by way of actual journalism, and into a creature that now just upsets people who like facts.
“With any luck the BBC will find some sort of irregularity with how I cut the ribbon today and they can spend the next month obsessing over their own mistake instead of covering what a cock up we’ve made of everything.”
All the best Iain. May the force be with you.