The endless ability of Number Ten to help its own has reached new heights. White sticks have been issued, free of charge, to every serving MP, regardless of their political affiliation.
To save time and energy, a job lot of white sticks was procured, from a geezer in a yellow Reliant Robin who bore a striking resemblance to David Jason.
Assessors from ATOS were called in to aid the sight tests. Candidates were asked to sit in a darkened room and read phrases as they flashed up before them. Phrases like “The Irish Border”, “Cliff Edge” and “£350m for the NHS” proved beyond all but the hardiest. However, the fact that none of them noticed the elephant in the room was the clincher.
The sessions came to an end after the first thirty MPs lacked the necessary vision. The remaining MPs were assumed to be suffering too.
Then someone realised that each fifteen-minute assessment was costing the taxpayer in excess of £75,000. Most of this money went, quite justifiably, straight into ATOS’s back pocket. But leading Tories were apoplectic that almost 10% of the money was being wasted on elephant feed and insurance against pachyderm-related mishaps.They explained that they refused even to acknowledge the possible existence of the elephant.
The conundrum remains, however. Nobody can see the elephant, yet it is still most definitely there. Who will feed it, care for it, and clean up after it? Well-meaning but one-eyed wildlife freaks, who can certainly see the elephant, if nothing else, are pressing for the elephant to be released into the wild. There it will be able to lead a free and happy life trampling ivory hunters.
Brexit is most definitely a case of the blind leading the blind. The white sticks will assist MPs to negotiate the dark days ahead. But neither blinkers nor rose-tinted spectacles can save their sight.