Many conspiracy theories surround the motivation behind Brexit. Will we all get richer? Will we take back control of. well, everything? Just don’t mention the Irish border.
One man who believes he has the answers is Phil Yerboots. LCD’s Financial Mismanagement correspondent went to speak to him.
“Brexit is for the many, not the few,” claimed Yerboots, glancing shiftily about. “This suitcase stuffed with used banknotes in my hand is completely irrelevant. I don’t stand to gain in the least.”
So, will we all get richer? we asked him.
“Errr, well, um… yes of course!” he stammered. “Look, it’s happening already!” He indicated the suitcase, which was leaking a few tatty notes. Shabby passers-by picked them up in surprise. “The trickle-down effect in operation!” bragged Yerboots.
An exhausted man dragging a huge trunk came up behind Yerboots. “Hurry up, Baldrick!” snapped Yerboots. “All the trunks of used banknotes need to be on the Cayman Islands plane by six o’clock sharp. Look lively!”
Suddenly, the sound of Abba’s “Money Money Money” rang out. “I’ve got to take this,” said Yerboots, pulling out the offending mobile phone. “No, Dave, wait until the NHS has collapsed completely before buying any hospitals!” he barked. “But I want Regent Street, Oxford Street and Bond Street asap. Yes, with hotels. No, don’t take any Chances. You know the drill!”
So, how does this work, then, we asked.
“When I benefit, everybody benefits,” he explained, patiently. “Everybody has a share. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to supervise a fleet of lorries carrying gold bullion onto the cross-channel ferry.”
Is the gold going to France, then?
“Of course not,” Yerboots retorted. “The ferry belongs to the Syndicate, and will sail to my secret headquarters. What is good for Phil Yerboots is good for the country!”
Heads I win, tails you lose. Brexiters have monopolised Catch 22 situations. Fill your boots!