Boris Johnson is said to be “reeling” this morning and “flabbergasted” after failing to win the coveted role of MacBeth in a Westminster local theatre production, in spite of a strong audition.
“It’s a bit baffling why the director would choose anyone other than Boris,” Boris Johnson’s acting coach, P T Barnum, told LCD Views’ light entertainment correspondent, “when you look at his career path post 2015, he seems to be completely method in preparation for the role of MacBeth in his professional and personal life.”
Mr Barnum further believes that the manner of Boris’ audition should have made him a shoo in.
“He beat up and butchered most of the others auditioning,” Barnum says, “they were just people from the local community, so it was as easy. He acts all Falstaff in public, but behind the scenes he’s a regular Titus.”
So what went wrong?
“Boris let Gove him help prepare, that was his first misstep. As on the morning of the audition Iago, I mean Gove, announced he was also auditioning.
This hurt Boris a lot. He had trouble focusing. He had to go and burn some fifties in front of some rough sleepers just to get his equilibrium back.”
So Gove got the part?
“No. The director believes neither man would be able to portray the necessary levels of regret required in MacBeth once the carnage really gets going, when the play is staged in the summer.
There’s also serious doubt whether or not Boris could stay faithful to Lady MacBeth long enough for anyone to believe they were in a genuine marriage, even in a staged play. You can’t really have Boris improvising new lines and secret liaisons while the play is actually being staged.”
How did Boris take the news?
“Not well, he sent the director, who is eighty five year and staging the play for charity, the following lines from Titus Andronicus,
I will grind your bones to dust
And with your blood and it I’ll make a paste,
And of the paste a coffin I will rear
And make two pasties of your shameful heads,
And bid that strumpet, your unhallow’d dam,
Like to the earth swallow her own increase.”
How did the director take that?
“He sent back a very brief note with a line from MacBeth,
Dear Mr Johnson,
Confusion now hath made his masterpiece…
Now kindly bugger off because all the world really is a stage and you are our face upon it…”