SMART BORDER : Great relief today at the announcement from the Home Office that border collies are to be used at Dover as the post Brexit border, as they’re smarter than anything a f*cking Brexiter will dream up.
”We’re very pleased to have finally nailed it,” Said Javid told LCD Views during a lunch date by the Thames.
We had chosen a pop up bistro called the Full Metal Balls-up, which serves traditional English war vegan cuisine, for the interview, as we wanted him to suffer as much as we knew we would.
”Would you mind passing the gluten free red gherkin sauce?” he asked, “these freedom turnip fries are a little over cooked. Here, share some of my meat free gammon substitute? I don’t think I can finish the whole serving. The slate is almost overflowing.”
That’s very kind of you. How did you hit on the idea of border collie sheep dogs for a border?
”Because they already have border as part of their name,” Mr Javid shrugged, “so it seemed a natural fit.”
They’re certainly highly intelligent and they’re good at organising chaotic herds.
”Exactly. It’ll be like watching re-runs of One Man and His Dog, as trucks are seamlessly selected and herded through the chokepoint. One by one by one. Or the whole ten mile tailback if necessary.”
They will also present a very welcoming face to visitors to the U.K.
Sajid paused, half pint of organic wheatgrass miracle mind soothing eraser tonic to his lips.
”Well, don’t print that, if Boris or Jeremy reads that it’ll be another magic fix on the trash heap.”
Okay. Noted. So when does training of the dogs begin?
”Training? I thought they’d know what to do on instinct? That’s how we govern now. What do you feel most strongly appeals to what you perceive to be your base. Do that.”
That explains a lot. Well, good luck with it. Make sure you ensure no one takes a tennis ball down to Dover once you’ve installed the border collies?
”Why not?”
Because you risk the border becoming distracted if anyone throws one.
”Why is that?”
You haven’t given this much thought, have you?
”You weren’t listening. They have border in their name. It’s perfect.”
Sajid Javid, thanks for lunch.
“No one will be able to say that after October 31st! Ha!”