World famous British stationery manufacturer Fumble and Fudge have been forced to issue a product recall of their Brexit pencils today after customers discovered that they’re pointless.
”Let’s be clear,” newsagent correspondent Green Searchlight said, “both the pencils and world famous Brexiters Fumble and Fudge are pointless.”
But can’t customers just sharpen the pencils? They maybe unhappy, but they’d still have a pencil.
”There’s no lead in the pencils either.”
Okay. Viagara?
”Now you’re just being silly,” Green admonished, “they are made out of badly compressed paper and not wood or hardened plastic. Even if you did find a Brexit pencil with lead in it, I wouldn’t try and use it.”
Surely the pencils were extensively tested before being released onto the British and European market?
”Daniel Hannan owns the factory, so what do you think?”
He got other people to test them out at their own risk?
”Correct. It didn’t go well, even without points. Everyone who was chosen to test was signed up to receive the Leave EU newsletter.”
Oh no.
”Yes. There were numerous blindings and some testers tried to clean the wax out of their ears, but managed to poke themselves in the eyes and keep poking.
And quite a few injuries that required discretion in accident and emergency.”
But they still released them onto the market?
”They expected to profit to the tune of £350M a week, regardless of how shoddy the product is.”
They aren’t I suppose.
”No. The personal injury claims alone are costing Fumble and Fudge that much.”
So what next?
”It’s hard to say at this point,” Green said, “the company has issued a profit warning but is adamant it will release its Brexit pencil sharpeners on time in spite of numerous testers cutting their noses off trying to sharpen pencils they’d first inserted into their nostril.”
It’s about time Fumble and Fudge were shut down before they do anymore harm.
“I’ve been following the company for a long time and I couldn’t agree more. Here, would you like to share some fudge?”
Who made that?
”Fudge, Fudge, Fudge and sons. They claim to have eliminated the ingredient that was causing the stomach ulcers.”
I think I’ll pass, but thanks all the same.