The Conservative Party has issued a new directive to greedy party figures that they are to stop taking donations from Russian oligarchs in anything other than unmarked bills.
“It’s a fierce reaction to this inconvenient scandal involving the nervy agent thingy,” Party tsar Boottle Augustus Norman Invasion Statute-of-Labourers-Brexit-1351 told LCD Views,
“I expect we can resume taking standard money transfers in a week or two, once the aluminium lady has finished blowing hard at old Poots. We certainly shouldn’t rush into any of that Magnitsky stuff.
Imagine the devastation to landlords if we stopped allowing masses of money from oligarchs in states that don’t have a functioning rule of law coming into the capital and buying up oodles of new flats they have no intention of ever allowing anyone to live in? It could be devastating.”
Queries have also been raised over the access of eyewateringly wealthy figures to the executive, with one such individual apparently shelling out £30,000 for lunch with the Secretary of State for Defence.
“Nothing to see there, move along, just because a minister of state is having a standard twenty course lunch with champers with a man who may have become insanely wealthy through means not exactly standard, is not reason not to tighten our state control over the media, post Brexit. It’s not corrupt. It’s business as usual.”
None the less, the party of government will have to do something?
“I’ll correct you there, you silly little peasant, I know this is beyond your ken, as my ghillie tells me every year when I fail to catch a salmon, we have to be seen to be doing something. It’s a key difference.”
So how will donations be made from now on?
“Oh, by reviving the old tradition of the brown paper bag I expect. Although personally I prefer the unmarked bills in a lockable briefcase.”