Theresa May is meeting with Nicola Sturgeon and Carwyn Jones to thrash out what Brexit means for the country. There is no representative from Northern Ireland because May is already in Arlene Foster’s pocket.
“Brexit means Brexit,” May will declare, triumphantly. Although this means that the meeting should be over in minutes, Sturgeon and Jones are likely to demand a translation. “Oot means Oot, Jimmy”, and “Brecsit, boyo”, presumably.
Number Ten is now employing escapologists to help May get out of trouble. One of her team, Harry Houdunnit, was sent to explain the Prime Minister’s position.
“Let me be entirely clear about this,” vacillated Houdunnit. “We are leaving. By which I mean, strengthening our union. The balance of power has shifted. Since Foster is a power-hungry opportunist, she wants full devolved powers for Northern Ireland. So to be fair, Scotland and Wales must be treated the same. This isn’t on the record, is it?”
No, no, of course not, we assured him, concealing our miniature recording devices.
“Theresa May is on record as saying that she wants to bring our country together.” Houdunnit continued. “This is why she is encouraging Wales and Scotland to become independent. They will be free to make their own laws and police their own borders. We are taking back control!”
Will England’s closest neighbours be able to rejoin the EU?
“So long as 52% of the people want it,” Houdunnit revealed. “This will give rise to a deep and lasting relationship. The price of whisky and lamb will remain almost unaffected.”
We passed him a spade so he could dig himself into a deeper hole. “Offa’s Dyke and Hadrian’s Wall will be repurposed for the 21st Century,” he shovelled, desperately. “And Wales and Scotland will pay for it!”
At this point we terminated the interview, as Houdunnit was so deep down that we could barely hear him. It is only a matter of time before he hits the power cable that will terminate him. Dig for Britain!