LCD Views is thrilled to have been paid £1M in unmarked bills to run the campaign to raise awareness of Philip Hammond’s planned “Celebrate Rigorous Austerity Parade” or C R A P.
“When I was looking about for a mass media company to engage the public in my CRAP celebration there was only really one name on the short list,” The Chancellor told LCD Views, “you.”
Why not The Sun?
Why not The Daily Mail?
Why not The Express?
“I’ll tell you why not. LCD Views is the only organisation to have posted an even mildly understanding comment about my predicament in the cabinet this year.”
But we’ve been deeply critical of austerity and we spend most of our time Tory bashing? With the occasional break to have a pop at JC the Lord and Saviour…Lexit or the NHS JC.
“Yes, that’s true. But you haven’t tried to murder me in my sleep yet and that’s more than I can say for any member of ERG.
Everyone thinks I’m a grey man with an abacus, but you realise that I am the quiet one everyone needs to watch out for. I appreciate that. Here, have a tax break on paper clips.”
We’re glad to be rewarded for our unflinching loyalty.
“Let’s not go too far.”
So tell us about CRAP?
“Okay. Austerity has been an amazing success.
We nationalised the losses of the true capitalists who otherwise would have suffered for terribly bad investment decisions. These were our friends. You have to look out for your chums in a chumocracy or democracy prevails.”
Ah, well you certainly do look after your mates while in government.
“And when you balance out the damage done to the NHS and public services in general, the booming food bank sector, the working poor, the skeleton of a defence force, the homelessness crisis, the malaise of injustice in the United Kingdom caused by cuts to legal aid, the privatisation of the forensic service which has led to miscarriages of justice, the water utilities whose lobbyists have succeeded in reducing standards so low to funnel taxpayer’s money into tax havens that people recently lost water for four days after a thaw, well, I need to stop crowing about the success of the Caring Conservative Culpability Prerogatives.”
Where’s the balance to all this success? There must be a downside?
“There is one. My friends and the donors to the Conservatives have gained so much wealth via austerity that it’s increased the time it takes to have our expensive accounts and lawyers find extra loopholes in tax legislation, in order to funnel even more money overseas. Of course the offshore tax exile owners of the majority of the media in the United Kingdom have been a great help here.”
They certainly took advantage of the rot austerity has set in to get that Brexit vote in. Now they can take away as much of our rights as they can grab!
“You’re interrupting me.”
Sorry.
“That tax dodging money is predominately held in USD accounts and will be repatriated when it’s time for the wholesale sell off of the NHS after Brexit crashes the economy.
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Jeremy Corbyn for his support on Brexit too. Although I am personally a quiet remainiac. But that’s on the hush hush.
Without the leader of the official opposition whipping his MPs to vote through Article 50, before any preparation had been done for the largest change to this country in decades, well, let’s just say Vladimir and Rupert may have withdrawn their support from our government.”
It’s definitely time for a C R A P parade.
“Let’s celebrate austerity,” Mr Hammond smiles, like an undertaker, “it’s ballooned the national debt in a way the media is helpful never to mention and it’s got us to the brink of fascism in the UK. It’s time for a parade. But not just any parade. A crap parade.”