Downing Street has burnished its reputation brighter with the world of big, medium and small businesses by announcing patriot medallions for any business which goes bust for Brexit.
“It’s exciting isn’t it?” an aide to the prime minister asked us, “aren’t you excited? Business keep sending these excitable types in to see us demanding clarity. Well, here’s a clarity bomb for you so huge, it will probably wipe out life on Mars.”
We can barely contain ourselves. We have to say.
We’re delaying production of, “Brexit recipes : updated edition now including recipes for cooking only patriotic feelings and cabbage”, so we can include an image of a patriot medallion on the cover.
“See how easy it is to get behind the flag when you have faith?” the aide asked, “If you can’t afford the ink you use to print LCD Views, which we understand is derived from Saiga antelope milk and imported from Carpathia, due to a further devaluation in sterling, and you go bust, you’ll get a shiny medallion you can wear on a ribbon that definitely won’t fray day one!”
The aide went on to say that the right ribbon was being sourced as a matter of urgency for government, as well as putting out to tender the £500M contract to determine which patriotic figure from the United Kingdom’s glorious past will be featured on the observe of the medallion.
“Definitely an English one,” the aide nodded, “I can tell you that for nothing, which is unusual, I’m normally very expensive. But if you can think of anyone not from England who has ever done anything worthwhile, I’d like to hear about it.”
So all is in hand for Brexit?
“Yes. When Nissan choose to stay, when Airbus chooses to stay, when those soft fruit producers who can’t get fruit pickers choose to stay, as everyone will choose to stay, they’ll get a medallion when they have to shutter up due to the financial calamity that will be a successful Brexit.”
Jacob Rees-mogg will present the medallions, hopefully?
“Him and Boris together. It should be a very nice ceremony. It will cost enough.”
But what about people who lose their jobs when the jobs go to the EU27 countries, or the business collapses having exhausted even payday loan lenders?
“They’ll get stickers!” the aide smiled, “we’re already handing those out now. We have been for over a year. It’s a stickers first Brexit and there is no way in hell you can tell me it isn’t worth it.”