The Road to Brexit has come up against a roadblock. The Road is certainly leaving the EU, although it is not obvious from which direction. Infuriatingly, a customs checkpoint is preventing free movement.
“This is yet another example of the pettifogging obstructions thrown up by the EU!” wibbled Boris Johnson. “How can we leave if the border is closed? It’s ridiculanimous! We will pass with eyes wide shut, and our fingers in our ears, going ‘la la la’!”
The Irish border is demanding clarification as to its very nature. “I cannot let you pass unless you decide whether I am to be hard, soft or non-existent,” the border commented. “I must therefore prevent your free passage until I know whether I should block you or not.”
Other ministers backed Mr Johnson. “I would have thought that the border itself was the very last person to decide which type of border it is,” said Michael Gove. “Who does it think it is? This sort of question should be determined from a safe distance, preferably in a bar in the House of Commons. If it cannot be resolved by alcohol, it needs to be urgently ignored.”
Iain Duncan Smith was briefly released from his regeneration alcove to pass comment. “Brexit is happening. Resistance is futile,” he droned. “We will assimilate anyone who dares to impede us!”
A less gnomic summary was provided by Jacob Rees-Mogg. “Pish! Tush! One can pass the border at any point we choose. This is typical of the sort of miniscule detail which is obstructing Brexit. And, as we all know, the devil is in the detail. So there.”
We tried to contact Theresa May. Unfortunately, she was hiding from the bullies in the toilet and refused to come out.
Meanwhile, at the customs point, was border guard Job Sworth. “I don’t care how big and red their bus is, nor what’s painted on the side,” declared Sworth. “If they don’t have the proper documentation, they ain’t passing!”
So there we have it. We need unity of customs to break the Customs Union, and freedom to pass to ensure that free passage comes to an end. That’s Brexit.