Prime Minister for the time being, Theresa May, has gone one step further than her illustrious predecessor, Margaret Thatcher. Thatcher displayed her common touch on a number of occasions. Now May believes she has perfected the out of common touch, with the help of a crack committee.
A simple quote was all it took to demonstrate this confidence. Discussing books and pictures and security with an illiterate nation of insecure Philistines was a masterstroke.
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? The relief of finally landing one’s own first des res after saving up for a few months. The joy at marrying an investment relationship manager. The naughtiness of chasing straw men through wheatfields.
May herself was too busy laying down platitudes for her elitist audience to speak to us, but we did manage to contact press officer Willie Toldwater to explain the situation.
“Theresa has been working very hard behind the scenes. Almost as hard as David Davis,” he said.
“Let me be very clear, the out of common touch is a gift granted to the few, not the many. Theresa has now mastered this art, with the help of a handpicked collective.”
We can think of a few of her colleagues who already possessed this gift before, like overgrown public schoolboy Boris Johnson. But Toldwater has more information.
“She has been searching for the magic bullet,” he disclosed. “She has been receiving private tuition from none other than occult specialist Jacob Rees-Mogg!”
Yes, the man who votes people into poverty while enriching himself, contrary to his proclaimed Christian beliefs. The man who dresses and speaks like a Victorian throwback. The man who gives his unfortunate progeny names like Sixtus.
“One considers it a privilege to work with the Prime Minister and her lackeys,” said Rees-Mogg. “My coaching has encouraged her to speak of her low birth among the ruling classes, to rally the natives. One hopes that, in time, she will feel confident enough to speak to this great nation of the impending joys of the workhouse, and the return of feudalism.”
That should give you food for thought the next time you send the butler to Harrods for a pint of milk and twenty Bensons.