LCD Views can report with breathless excitement that British prime minister, Theresa May, is to play to her weaknesses tomorrow when she gives another in a series of visionary speeches about Brexit.
“She’s going to talk about what she wants from the negotiations with the EU,” A Dalek, speechwriter for the PM told us, “and she’s going to not talk about what she wants from the negotiations with the EU.”
Is this because what she wants is clearly insane?
“Well, put it this way, have you seen all the videos of her campaigning for Remain in the referendum, and explaining rationally all the foreseeable negative consequences of voting to Leave?”
Yes. They keep getting shared on social media.
“That’s unfortunate. Theresa is increasingly baffled and desperate for a magic bullet solution. Theresa will urge the British people to unite behind a shared sense of amnesia tomorrow.”
So what weaknesses will she play to?
“Oxymoronic catchphrases are a definite.”
Exactly.
“An ability to appear overly emotional when dealing with subjects that are having a serious negative impact on people’s lives.”
I’m not sure that’s accurate?
“Traitor.”
Is this how we’re doing things now?
“Are you undemocratically attempting to have an ongoing political discussion on the ramifications of getting a decision wrong that will last for generations, and is based on a narrow win in an arguably gerrymandered advisory referendum designed solely for internal Tory party politics?”
Yes. It’s called democracy.
“It’s called treason. I bet you question Jeremy Corbyn’s support for Brexit also?”
I do. But we’re talking about Theresa baffled May here.
“So you’re a class traitor yellow Tory who can be blamed for the pandemic of rough sleeping too. How’s your conscience?”
Very good. I believe I am doing the best I can to protect my children and their future by campaigning to keep the UK in the EU.
“You’ll be one of the first against the wall then.”
Is all this going in the speech tomorrow?
“Don’t be silly. These aren’t catchphrases. They’re just the nasty underbelly of Brexit and what will happen to our society if we go through with it. Just like what happens every time a hard right, ideological blind, nightmarish coup takes over a democracy.”
That’s reassuring.
“That’s more like it. You’ll get plenty more reassurance tomorrow too. As well as finally hearing what sort of deal Theresa actually wants with the EU.”
Omg! Really? What is it?
“It’s a nod and a wink kind of deal. Nothing in writing. Like the one from last December that got us to the next stage. You remember it, it was celebrated orgiastically by the tabloids.”
But the EU wrote it down.
“That’s because they’re bullies who are attempting to divide and conquer and annex regions of the UK. We won’t allow that. We’re going to do that to ourselves.”
I’m hoping for some new catchphrases to mock?
“Oh, you’ll get those too. That’s one of Theresa May’s strengths.”