The recent spell of cold weather has led even people from Newcastle to put the heating on. Supplies of natural gas have become depleted, and the government needs YOUR help. You are requested to produce your own gas by consuming beans on toast.
The Department for Business, Energy & Industrial Strategy, which made the pronouncement, put forward spokesman Blaise N. Saddles to explain.
“Natural gas is mainly methane, which is produced by decaying organic matter,” said Saddles quickly, before his audience nodded off. “This gets trapped underground, and, years later, may be extracted and burned to keep us all in profit.”
Why, then, are we being advised to eat beans?
“Humans also can produce natural gas,” said Saddles. “Beans promote the production of a vital resource which may then be tapped. This will also help to cover the fact that the privatised energy companies value short-term profits above contingency planning. Add a spoonful of curry powder and a large pinch of salt for maximum effect.”
Consumers are advised to collect the gas in hastily-produced bags. The gas-bags, already dubbed cul-de-sacs by witty linguists, will be given away free with every 24 cans of baked beans purchased.
“It’s recycling at its best!” claimed Saddles. “And it will turn an embarrassing moment into an instance of national pride. Our slogan is, Trump for Britain!”
Meanwhile, the public in LCD’s local supermarket were less than impressed. “Trump for Britain? What a ghastly notion,” said Anna Mazingpump, putting 24 cans of beans into her trolley. ”I mean, can you imagine, walking around with one of them bags on? I’ll have one for my husband though, he could supply the whole street.”
All practicalities to do with feeding this new source of natural gas into the national network have been waved aside by a government obsessed with waving aside the practicalities of Brexit.
More news on this story as we discern which way the wind is blowing.