Secretary of State for International Trade, Liam Fox, has been found in a central London alleyway crumbled in defeat after losing a fight with a packet of crisps.
LCD sent our roaming reporter, Gary Lineker, down to the scene to find out as much as possible and to make up the rest.
“Even as I stand in the freshly fallen snow of central London near Leicester Square, I can see a scene before me that fills the mind with a mixture of bafflement and wonder.
Liam Fox, somehow an MP still, after resigning in disgrace from the position of Secretary of State for Hiding Friends Behind Curtains (aka Defence), is being shifted onto a stretcher.
The crisps he fought for his country are believed to have been a packet of Walkers, maybe Salt and Vinegar, perhaps Bugle cones, witnesses are being sought.
But from what I have gathered from speaking to people who claimed to have seen the drama occur, I can say little Liam gave the regular-tory less than 110%,
EXT LONDON ALLEYWAY DAWN
A shifty looking, short man with a briefcase stands at the entrance to a dark alleyway. This is Liam Fox.
A curtain hangs on the wall to his side. Movement behind it tells us someone is hiding behind.
The sun breaks over the building behind Liam and throws light through his steamy breath.
Liam Fox
“Wait for my signal. If he tries anything you run at him waving your arms and screaming.”
CLOSE ON
The curtain. A hand comes out of the side to give the thumbs up.
PULL BACK
Liam advances into the alley, the golden light of dawn running ahead of his steps.
He stops.
We hear rustling sounds. Crunching noises. A giant is stepping through the alley snow.
CLOSE ON
Liam’s face. The face of fury.
CLOSER STILL
His eyes. Just voids.
PULL BACK
Liam Fox
“I’ve got what you asked for.”
Silence, except for the sound of a giant bag of crisps rustling itself up.
Liam Fox
“Have you got the cash?”
No reply still.
Liam clutches his briefcase to his chest. He looks uncertain.
He begins to back pedal. Fear spreads across his face like butter on a bread roll in business class.
Liam Fox
“Adam!”
He starts to walk backwards faster.
Liam Fox
“Adam!”
CLOSE ON
The curtain.
See the furtive figure (we don’t see his face) dash out from behind and leg it out of the alleyway, and gone.
Liam Fox holds the briefcase over his head.
The crunching of the crisp giant grows louder and louder.
Liam’s shaking arms raise his briefcase over his head, even as he falls to his knees in the snow.
Liam Fox
“I am Liam Fox. Secretary of State for International Trade and you will give me a free trade deal.”
A shadow looms over Liam and a giant crisp packet begins to laugh menacingly.
END SCENE