In the light of a cold dawn this morning the Angel of the North began its first journey in twenty years, and one that has the residents of Gateshead at turns anxious and at twists enraged.
The noise of the busy A1 was temporarily drowned out by the sound of the Angel groaning as cranes lowered chains around its wings, klaxons sounded to keep spectators clear and a giant, mechanised bolt cutter sliced through the metal roots of the modern megalith as if they were butter.
“They got little statues over there, don’t they? Why the hell do they need to take our Angel as a hostage? What’s wrong with giving them Big Ben?”
This was just one of the many questions asked, as early bird motorists pulled onto the hard shoulder to watch the removal of The Angel of the North.
The move is a symbolic one that Westminster has high hopes for and has been planned in secret for months.
“By offering about the only useful thing the north has produced since it mismanaged its steel and coal industries in the 1980’s,” Jacob Rees-mogg MP for North East Somerset began, from a safe distance away, in North East Somerset,
“to Brussels for the remainder of the Brexit discussions, will, I believe show just how serious we are to trade away anything of worth in the regions of the United Kingdom, in order to make me even richer and more powerful. Set potentia ex chao.”
But the move has not been greeted with unalloyed enthusiasm in Gateshead.
“We weren’t even consulted,” another motorist said, “what if Brussels don’t give it back? We voted leave to bring back control, not to give away our jewels.”
This is of course why the residents of Gateshead weren’t consulted.
“In the normal course of events this move would have been subject to lengthy public consultation,” Jacob continued, “but these aren’t normal times. And I would suggest the good people of this country should adjust themselves to the notion of wise rulers making decisions on their behalf going forward, for quite some time. It actually makes me quite emotional, on a personal level, it’s beginning to feel like the Statute of Labourers was never undone.”
But what if the Brexit negotiations fail to reach agreement? What if Brussels refuses to return the Angel?
“That will best return full sovereignty to the people of Britain,” Jacob Rees-mogg MP advised, “it’s a small price for Gateshead to pay to empower Westminster. Now if you do not mind I’m going to watch the Angel of the North fly and about time it finally did too.“
Plans to dynamite Arthur’s Seat are also underway.
Capto et popcorn.