LCD Views has heard from an aide to the prime minister that Ms May got an awful fright this morning while conducting a search of her war cabinet.
“She was looking for the Penderyn whiskey bottle to fill her hip flask,” Mired Stiminer told LCD, “I don’t know why she was having so much trouble finding it, she keeps it in her desk drawer usually, but David Davis had been over to thrash out new Brexit catchphrases, so…”
It seems after searching the pot plant, an aspidistria that May describes as her “one true friend in all the world”, she decided the Penderyn bottle had to be in her war cabinet.
“It’s a bit daft to think it would be there,” Stiminer went on, “Boris would have polished it off if Davis hadn’t nicked it, just out of spite.
Not to mention Gove. He takes things to wind her up. He’d take her seat on the front bench if he could get away with it.
Or Hunt often nicks medicinal things to sell to Americans.
He took her first aid kit and sold it on eBay to an American bidder calling himself United Healthcare Group, which seems a funny handle for a person.
It cost the public purse £50, really high end kit, and he sold it for a fiver and a holiday in Bermuda! Ms May was going to sack him for it, but she chlorine chickened out.”
But with nowhere else to turn Ms May turned to her cabinet.
“She didn’t half shout in shock when she flung back the cabinet doors and found Jeremy Corbyn inside it hunched over a spy phone with Secretary of State for War John Profumo!”
But what did she do?
“What could she do? She recovered her composure and asked them if they knew where the Penderyn bottle was.
They said no, but Jeremy kindly gave her a hit of Smirnoff, that’s how the Russians pay him, and then told her to close the cabinet doors as they hadn’t finished telling the Kremlin what she had for breakfast that morning.”
But how will she react to the discovery?
“She’ll drink till the bottle is empty I suppose. She’s under a lot of strain at work.”
No. About finding Jeremy Corbyn with a Russian spy inside her cabinet just a day after hotshot Tory youth MP Ben Bradley was forced to bend the knee to Corbyn on twitter, for his little bit of democracy undermining libel the other day?
“Oh. Nothing. She’s not capable of doing anything about anything anymore. She’s already operating at the top of her game as it is.”