Downing Street has been rocked today by the discovery EU officials can understand Brexit announcements made in English.
”Theresa May has requested the Cobra committee summoned to an emergency meeting at Downing Street,” Ben Bradley MP, head of Cobra told LCD Views.
”I was going to anyway, because after exposing Jeremy Corbyn as a spy chief the other day, I thought it’s time to set the ball rolling on the John McDonnell Soviet era Soviet hedge fund scandal, so I guess we’ll have more than one thing on the agenda.”
It’s believed the group have assembled at Downing Street, but have yet to discuss how to react to the alarming ramifications for the Brexit policy agenda.
”We’re waiting for the prime minister to get out of the toilet,” Ben explained, “this shock has set her bowels right off, I don’t mind telling you via twitter.”
Quite how the government will react to this ghastly surprise is anyone’s guess.
”I think we should hide for a while,” Ben Bradley MP advised, “we can lay low for a few days and then release about three hundred tweets in foreign languages to confound the EU. French. German. Spanish. Italian. Finnish. They’ll be stumped if they only know English.”
Other suggestions are to use the discovery to our advantage in the unravelling negotiations.
”We can weaponise this,” Boris Johnson chimed in, “We can start shouting in RP. Just to make sure they really get the message now we’re aware the fumblestanglers have been swotting up on the mother tongue.”
At least we can be sure of getting answers that way.
”I think Jamie Oliver should take over,” Ben Bradley MP added, “punish him for being a remoaner. And, and this is the key bit of my strategy. He doesn’t have a twitter account and he only speaks in mockney.
There is not a snowflake’s chance Barnier and Tusk will cotton on to our porky pies if they’re served up with some lubbly jubbly.”
Good work Ben, let us know how Cobra gets on today, allegedly democracy needs libel and lies, oh, and retractions of libel and lies.