Facepamphlet CEO M. Zuckerberg is reportedly terrified by an ancient prophecy that in the end it’ll only be him and his parents left on Facepamphlet.
The co-founder of arguably the grandparent of social media platforms is said to have heard the prophecy while asking the temporary inmates in the drunk tank of his local police station what they would like in the next algorithm change.
LCD Views’ social media analyst spoke to an aide to the zeitgeist shepherd to learn more.
“It was all going as it usually does,” Ms P Age told LCD, “Mark dropped by the local police station with his dictaphone to record the ramblings of the drunks locked up so he could have a bunch of teenagers hidden in his bunker in California code it up into an algorithm.”
But it appears, due to overcrowding, there was a mysterious, shawled woman rocking in a corner of the drunk tank.
“He approached her as he thought she was scared, but when he got close he realised she was chanting.”
It’s believed the chants were in an ancient Aztec language of prophecy that the woman had learned off a Facepamphlet group dedicated to soothsaying.
“She snapped her head back, her eyes rolling into the backing of her head, extended a bony finger and that’s when she spoke the words that chilled him to his core.”
It’s believed he was so spooked by the prophecy that it would one day only be him and his parents left that he fled without getting the notes for the next algorithm.
“It’s a shame, but he’s plenty of suggestions from other sessions.”
The top ranking suggestions for how to change the algorithm again are listed below,
1. Use the algorithm supermarkets use to rearrange shelves so you spend longer looking for cheese and slowly go insane while not actually spending more out of frustration.
2. Hide all your best friends’ posts and then start a rumour they are talking about you.
3. Bring back the much loved and perfect chronological newsfeed, but only for a day, just to break everyone’s mind.
Three is expected to lead to a sudden uptake amongst younger users, who have little use for a social media platform that gives them the latest news about their friends days late, in a dump, that just rubs in how much they missed.
4. Only show one post of someone you like each day and fill the rest with adverts for tinned foods.
5. Block all friends and decide who users will be friends with next.
“All those changes will still go ahead, because if you’re not fixing something that isn’t broken you’re not improving it,” the aide added, “and if you do break something that was fine you are never, never to reverse course, because that shows weakness.”
The prophecy is expected to be fulfilled by the end of 2018, after the autumn algorithm change to just show the most popular post from a friend that you never interact with, from the first year you joined, over and over until you finally give in and comment on it.
Twitter are said to be delighted, as the ditching of the chronological newsfeed has meant people are turning to it for up to date news now, mixed with instagram photos of what their friends ate that day.