LCD Views can report on great new cost saving methods by the visionary Conservative administration in Westminster with the plan to mine D. Hannan’s head and heart for the rock and stone needed to construct the revitalised hard border between NI and the Republic of Ireland.
“He actually volunteered,” customs post designer (and Brexiter), E E Jit told LCD,
“he phoned Theresa May up personally and instead of giving her his usual hour long diatribe on how soft she is on the disabled, he made the offer, and then lectured her about building workhouses for the undeserving poor after.”
It’s encouraging news, as Brexit is expected to lead to little spare cash in the future.
“It’s very timely,” E E Jit continued, “right now I’m secretly drawing up the plans to just f*ck everyone in Northern Ireland and the Republic sideways and hope we can blame it on the EU for the intransigence regarding international law.”
It appears Owen Patterson, more famous for once exporting a lamb chop via sea mail is part of the design team.
“Owen is great. He’s coming up with nifty new ways to sell the concept of a return to paramilitary violence to the British public.
He’s suggested the GFA has outlived its usefulness, but I think he’s drawing too much on his own experience there. He needs a little distance.
That said, his plan to replace it with the Selfish Saturday Agreement has some legitimacy.”
But what about people who are concerned that Daniel may suffer if he gives too much of his heart? Just for customs officers to hang about in cute little huts until they get mortared?
“Hannan is medically unique.
He’s borderline sociopathic in personality, probably. Talk to anyone who’s had to deal with him and they will tell you the air gets very cold very fast.
But this means he really commits to humanitarian causes he cares about.
Such as destabilising the lives of millions of people on racial grounds, and all in the service of tax havens! He’s basically a reptile that survived the comet that wiped out the other giant lizards.”
Mining of Hannan’s heart is already underway and the hot mantle inside his chest is expected to produce as much stone, via violent emotive eruptions, as is needed.
“Combine the rocks in his head with the ones rattling about old Owen’s empathy free walking corpse and I’d say you’ve just the right amount of material needed to piss away decades of progress.”
Which will be nice.
Interested parties are advised it’s possible to sponsor a ‘Hannan Brick’, but only if you’ve prepared to vomit bile all over the GFA.
As a side note, someone please locate our official opposition party to oppose Brexit before our pubs start blowing up again, anytime soon would be nice.