Great news for supporters of Brexit in the United Kingdom today with the announcement that the Conservatives and Labour front benches are to hold joint Brexit away days.
“It’s so we can continue to present a united front to Europe on Brexit,” Keir Starmer told LCD Views political correspondent, during an unexpected drop in at our ten story Mayfair office.
Straight after that statement he excused himself, asked where the WC was and went inside. We heard fumbling with the lock (which doesn’t work unless you pull the door towards you and then turn), this went on a while.
He then seemed to work out the knack to locking the door.
He then started to scream.
“You’re not in space Mr Starmer!” Rosie Searchlight said, but it seems Mr Starmer couldn’t hear her because of all the screaming.
So we continued the unexpected interview with the Labour front bencher by using a foot stool instead.
Green Searchlight was asked to kneel down beside the stool and provide Keir’s voice.
“I’m sorry, I can’t talk properly unless a Momentum boss has their feet on me,” Green mumbled.
Tech Searchlight pulled an office chair over and put his feet up.
“Now Keir, I can call you Keir can’t I?” Monumental Searchlight continued the interview.
“I’d prefer if you addressed me as Sir Starmer, since I was backed into a corner and threatened with a hammer and sickle last summer I’ve really got nothing else left.”
“Fine. Sir Starmer, can you explain to me please the thinking behind holding a joint Brexit away day with the Conservatives?”
Keir nodded.
He didn’t answer. The foot stool looked like it was giggling.
“GREEN!” Titan boomed from the chief’s office, “you either want to play the part of Keir or I can get the dust pan and broom to do it?”
“I just need a minute to compose myself.”
More giggling.
Sounds of the chair scraping across the floor in the chief’s office.
“It’s so we can discuss policy and make sure we continue to be aligned on driving the UK straight at the cliff edge.
And in the process screwing over the younger demographics to the delight of a section of the baby boomer electorate!” Green answered breathlessly.
“To present a united face to Europe?” Monumental sought clarity, “so they know both main parties are in as irresponsible rush for calamity as the other?
Just for different, but equally disastrous, ideological reasons?”
“Yes. They need to know we’re all Brexiters now and we respect the result of the advisory, gerrymandered referendum on the 23rd June 2016.
It instructed parliament with an overwhelming mandate to stop being a representative parliament and simply a lackey for tax havens and right wing press barons. Either that or a unicorn farm.”
“Thank you Sir Starmer. Would you like a glass of water?”
“I’d like a bloody way out!”
At that point the real Sir Starmer stopped screaming and re-entered the main room, leaving the WC to vibrate with his screams.
He looked like nothing had happened at all. He’s had practise at that.
“I’m ready to go on when you are?” He offered.
It’s alright Keir, just get back to us when you’re ready to cross the floor in whatever direction offers sanctuary when you’re deselected.
For the many, not the few. Or the few, not the many? Who can keep anything straight these days.