LCD views raided our piggy bank and sent our investigative reporter, I P Standing, on an undercover mission to the Pillars of Hercules.
In modern parlance, the rock of Gibraltar.
As money was tight the planned hitchhiking adventure with a Spanish lorry driver will have to wait until another day. Probably a good thing, as the driver claimed to know Damien Green MP from a file sharing website.
“Sometimes I’d blush,” the driver says, “why would a senior British politician contact me from the houses of parliament? Why always in working hours?”
Gibraltar, the online gaming capital of Europe, there are more betting companies here than there are ships in the Royal Navy.
Ladbrokes, Bet365, drawn by the lucrative cash breaks Gibraltar can offer, the online betting business has thrived on a rock famous for monkey business.
“I was curious to find the address of the betting company used when my credit card was scammed in the Bristol Marriot,” I P said in his report,
“Whilst purusing the streets I found the address of the GoSpanky.com, the insurance website owned by Arron Spanks, the notorious roof lead thief and backer of Leave. EU.
Hidden behind the brass plaque it read Bet365, so that explains the piece in the Paradise Papers.
I decided I needed to go to the top and blagged my way into the Mayor’s office.
By chance I was in luck, as a former Miss World contestant was sitting in the sun having a coffee and drying the paint on her toes.
Like any good investigative journalist, I first cut off her means of escape.
I was very polite and asked her three questions:
1) Is it true they are going to change Winston Churchill Avenue to Arron Spanks Avenue?
2) Are they building swanky new apartments for hedge fund managers?
3) That from March 2019 everyone will have to revert to driving on the left?
My mistake was not to realise that the coffee cup was full and upon my last question, as she took a sip, the contents was splurted all over my nice clean white t-shirt.
“You damn fool,” she snapped, “hedge fund managers never drive on the left.”