‘What happens in Chequers stays in Chequers’ Boris Johnson is to remind the Conservative party cabinet ahead of the coming weekend away at Chequers.
LCD Views spoke to little seen cabinet member Philip Hammond about expectations ahead of the weekend away at the country pile.
“It’s great,” Mr Hammond said, “Do you know how long it is since I’ve seen daylight? Have I got a beard? I haven’t seen my reflection since late 2017.
And they broke my calculator months ago. Then they found my abacus and smashed that too. ”
Mr Hammond rambled on for some time, explaining how he’s been doing longhand sums with a hidden marker on his thigh.
“But it’s so hot down in the ‘hole’ with all the heating pipes running through. I perspire.
None of my sums stay legible after my hourly lecture from Redwood.
He threatens to beat me with an old phonebook. He says sorry and pretends to swing it. I just put my hands over my head and plan what I’ll do when I escape.
George Osborne got a note to me in my gruel last week telling me he will help me ‘chop them all up and put them in his freezer’. That’s pretty sweet of him considering I got his old job.”
Apparently Mr Hammond’s chief error though is putting minuses in front of Brexit forecasts. But he says he can’t help it. It’s how the sums come out.
“You don’t think Boris will organise a tiger in a bath tub do you? I reckon he could sneak one in to Chequers if he wanted. He’s such a big kid.”
We can’t say. We recommend you worry about getting out of Chequers in one piece.
“I don’t know why we aren’t flying to Amsterdam or Bangkok. That’s the best place to go to get your rocks off, just ask Boris.
Apparently he mentioned it as a joke when giving a big speech about the future of the UK and Brexit.
But it’s deadly serious. British men have to have cheap airfares to cheap sex after Brexit or we’re doomed as a trading nation.”
But what’s the most important thing to remember about the coming bash?
“What happens in Chequers, stays in Chequers,” Mr Hammond nods vigorously,
“Especially if we answer any Brexit related questions. No one is allowed to find out.”
We’re just happy they’re letting him out to play for a day, it’s almost like the country doesn’t have a chancellor anymore, which is a little odd.
“Why aren’t we flying to Vegas for the team building exercise if airfares are still so cheap?”
I’d just worry about keeping out of the cellar Phil because what happens in Chequers, stays in Chequers.