Motoring enthusiast Theresa May is expecting to drive passed thousands of food banks on the road to Brexit.
LCD Views’ best intentions correspondent went along to brunch at Ms May’s central London crash pad to hear what she expects to learn from the experience.
He sent back this report of the scene.
INT 10 Downing Street Morning
A grey hared woman wearing a neck chain you could flog a hyena to death with sits at a dining table.
She fiddles with her napkin.
Turns one cloth corner in a tight knot.
Her eyes could be swapped with the glass eyes in an old porcelain doll and it’s likely not many would notice.
It’s a long table. It would be difficult for people sat at either ends to hear each other without shouting.
But there’s only one other person with her. A hack with a smoker’s cough who looks like he hasn’t shaved since new year and is almost certainly drunk.
Reporter
“So Ms May, what are you hoping to see on the road to Brexit?”
Theresa May
“Food banks mostly, I suspect. It’s funny how high roads get dotted with one type of business. Although I won’t be stopping. I work hard enough to put sufficient food on my table.”
A servant enters carrying a silver platter. Her arms tremble. There is so much food on that tray.
The servant trips and almost spills the food. She mutters something in a foreign language.
Theresa May’s head snaps about like a rottweiler smelling a bleeding kitten.
Reporter
“Now that’s what I call a full english breakfast!”
Theresa May
“I will only pick at it. You may take one strip of bacon and a hash brown.”
Theresa May blushes.
Reporter
“What’s the matter?”
Theresa May
“Hash brown is a naughty word. It’s a foreign form of food.”
Reporter
“Oh. The butter is British, isn’t it?”
Theresa May
“I churn it myself. Just by looking at the cream.”
There is silence as the trembling servant places the heavy tray on the table. She withdraws, turns and almost runs for the door.
Reporter
“What are the statistics on the growth of food banks since you took office, and what impact do you expect driving on the road to Brexit to have on the living standards of both the working poor and the unemployed?”
Theresa May
(Those glass eyes are so hot suddenly you could use them to weld)
“Get out.”
Reporter
(stands, stuffing sausages into his pockets)
“You know it’s the road to nowhere you’re driving on? Or maybe the road to hell? Taking a magical misery tour?”
Theresa May twists the corner of that napkin again. Tighter. Tighter.
Theresa May
“After we leave the European Union and I am free to bring in legalisation to snoop on your computer at will I will make it my hobby to hang about in your search history. I’ll find out how British your values are. I’ll find out!”
End scene.