There is reassuring news for the minority of people worried the United Kingdom’s executive has no idea where it’s going with the announcement that the future of the country will be decided over the next few weeks by rats fighting in a sack.
LCD Views has long campaigned for a clear and easily communicable set of policies and we celebrate knowing that at last our call is answered.
We sent our Downing Street insider along to a meeting of the Conservative Party cabinet to learn more.
“We’ve been waiting for someone to throw us out of 10 Downing Street to be honest (for the first time ever),” Ms May, acting prime minister, explained to our man.
“I mean, you won’t find a bigger house of cards than my government. I should know, I put it together after all.”
But it seems the lack of a concerted effort to dispose the May government has forced her to actually make some settled policy decision on Europe and other areas.
“Domestic policy is easy enough. We just decide what is the kindest possible thing to do and we pick the opposite. But Europe, boy, that’s a bigger pickle than most realise. We’ve had to come up with a novel way to fill in that policy hole.”
And it seems they have.
“Right now each and every member of your cabinet is training a rat to fight. Once the training is finished we will put them all in a sack in the middle of the cabinet table and let them fight to determine who’s king rat.
It’s going to be vicious.”
It seems whichever rat emerges ‘king rat’ will get to decide the Brexit policy of May’s government.
“I must admit I’m a little nervous about my own chances,” Ms May said, “I was asked to pick one of two rats to train and I still haven’t decided. But I’m sure it will be alright on the night if I just believe it will be.”
Once the sponsor of ‘king rat’ has set out their policy on the future of the United Kingdom it will be easily communicated to the voting public much like any other readily communicable virus.
May the best rat win.