Salisbury Plain, home to the famous tourist attraction Stonehenge, is once again in the news for the wrong reasons. The latest proposal for a bypass now incorporates a roundabout on top of the ancient monument.
Classic rock band Spinal Tap have already been booked to play at the opening of the new roundabout.
LCD’s Modernising Britain correspondent spoke to Progress Minister, Vic Torian-Values. “Wiltshire has fewer than its fair share of roads,” said Torian-Values. “And Stonehenge lies directly in the path of the shortest route from London to Cornwall.”
Yes, but why the interchange? “There is no satisfactory link between Swindon and Southampton,” claimed Torian-Values. “This is an important strategic pathway, and will become of paramount importance once the Isle of Wight becomes the sole point of entry into Britain post-Brexit.”
Torian-Values went on to reveal further modernisation plans for Britain, once we leave the EU in a blaze of glory. Cornwall will become one huge holiday complex. Donald Trump will be encouraged to bring his exceptionally successful golf business to any part of Scotland he chooses. Spaghetti Junction will become a rollercoaster in a new theme park, Aston Towers.
All the people too poor to invest in the Future Of Britain will be branded as traitors, and will be relocated to The North.
We quizzed Torian-Values on the location for the new roundabout. “The supports are already there,” he explained. “It just needs the tarmac.”
Think of the heritage, we persisted. Stonehenge is an important ancient monument! “It is visited by a few new-age hippie types twice a year,” Torian-Values retorted. “They will be welcome to drive the new road. If they can pay the tolls, of course.”
At this point Torian-Values left, muttering that he was “sick of bribing the f***ing jobsworth traffic wardens to turn a blind eye” to his Merc parked on double yellow lines in a bus lane.
Salvation or sacrilege? Answers on a brick thrown through the window of your local tree-hugger’s house.