Brexit Dad Figel Narage has expressed his views on the so-called Brexit brain drain. His brain is staying exactly where it is, he says.
“Brexit means Brexit!” he declared. “This means we are staying exactly where we are, and everybody else can clear off. My plumbing is just fine, so get over it.”
LCD sent Lone Centrist correspondent Caleb V Nice to speak to Narage. He suggested that intelligent Brits would leave the country while they still can. “Brain Drain means Brain Drain,” he remarked, cheekily.
“The only thing going down the drain is, well, what is supposed to go down there. Here, let me demonstrate…” At this point Mr Narage left the room. Ten minutes and a hearty flush later, he reappeared. “There! Everything is going just swimmingly!” he said. “Oops, wrong metaphor.” He left briefly to flush again.
Mr Nice gently reminded him that the phrase Brain Drain was not meant to be taken literally.
“Cream rises, and dregs fall,” stated Narage. “The brightest and best will stay. Who wouldn’t? And the rubbish will be flushed out into the Brussels cesspool. That’s science, that is!”
No, no, could we move on from actual sewage systems, pleaded Mr Nice.
“Oh, I see!” Narage responded. “Nudge nudge, wink wink! I know what you mean! See my wife, Krystyna? Now you know why she is always smiling! And my lovely children, Figella and Figel junior? The old Narage plumbing is in tip-top condition, like a well-oiled machine.”
Tempted to leave Mr Narage to continue lubricating himself, Mr Nice tried one final tack. People are seriously worried that our brainiest people are going to emigrate, because the economy is likely to shrink rapidly post-Brexit. Neither will we be able to afford their wages, nor will their jobs be safe.
“Nonsense, my dear chap!” he replied. “It’s just scaremongering. It happens every time this country changes for the better. Stop being such a gloomy Graham and get behind your country!”
Cream rises. But so do scum and big sh*ts.