Fresh fears for world peace today after megacorp Apple included a predictive ‘Bojo chat’ in the latest iPhone update for use when texting foreign friends.
“In theory the new predictive Boris text should make it easier to complete sentences to friends who speak more than one language, i.e., not British friends,” LCD Views’ technology whizz, Dr Whizz, commented.
But it seems early results of the global live beta test have returned some alarming results?
“Indeed. Already over a million British people have lost friends from other countries. It’s really alarming.
Apple are facing calls from many organisations, including the UN no less, to release a fresh update that cancels out the Boris Johnson function before more harm is done. This could potentially trigger a localised war if high ranking government officials accidentally use it.”
But what’s going wrong?
“The amount of unintended insults that are being written in foreign languages is the chief gripe,” Dr Whizz said, “and the intended ones too, they’re also causing a lot of harm.”
It seems the situation is worsened by the inability to turn the function, already nicknamed ‘Bojo chat’ (by text savvy types), off.
“Yes. And some users have reported that it actually sends messages to people at random from your contact list. This is most likely if you’ve already had an exchange with someone that didn’t go as well as you liked.
Bojo chat will wait until the phone has been untouched for a certain period of time, normally five minutes as this is judged long enough to decide a user is asleep in 2018, and then send follow up texts to depeen whatever misunderstanding or insult has occurred.”
Apparently it’s even caused an engaged couple to call off their wedding?
“More than one. It seems particularly interested in causing breakdown in harmony between English and French or English and German people.
One distressed man from London said he woke up to find Bojo app had destroyed his engagement to a French woman, who was visiting family in Paris, while he was in the shower.
The phone had followed up a minor misunderstanding about the flower arrangements for their wedding with a message that read,
‘Pifflepoffle cheese eating banana straightening surrender monkey I wouldn’t be caught dead in your bed unless you were already married to someone else you catastrophic mung bean piling wintertazzle!’, but in French.”
How have Apple responded to the complaints and what do they intend to do to correct it?
“They’ve claimed it is a great success. It proves how advanced their AI modelling of Boris Johnson is. And much like Facepamphlet making an algorithm change that drives everyone nuts, we need them more than they need us, so we can just suck it up.”
Based on all this we would suggest just phoning a friend from now on instead.