A famous British magician has confirmed today that she is able to give people worried about how we will achieve a deep and close trading relationship with the European Union, after we have left it, by saying she is going to pull a rabbit out of a hat.
“It’s a classic trick,” she blushed in modesty, “not many people can do it. But when the pressure is really on I can.”
The reassurance will be welcome. We spoke to our international trade specialist for more details.
“You get a hat, right?” Dr Fox Fox began, “You got one? Make sure it’s a top hat. A deep one.
Okay, you make the top of the top hat hinged. It’s got to be a door. But one with a stiff seal so it sits snug or the illusion won’t work.”
We’re writing it down…
“Okay. Now you need a rabbit. Tradition dictates a white rabbit because it shows up best under lights. You’ll need sedatives though as the rabbit needs to be calm. You’re going to be shoving it in the hat and dragging it out and waving it around. Dope it to the eyeballs.
Dope yourself too. To the eyeballs, just in case you find yourself unable to perform. Maybe give the rabbit a bit of viagra. Maybe take some too. Stiffen the resolve. This is deep and special.”
Noted. I didn’t realise there would so many trips to the chemist. What about mind over matter? Surely the new union will be exciting enough?
“Don’t get technical.
Now, you’ll need a few distracting personal movements so people aren’t properly focused on the hat when you show them it’s empty.
Make sure the hat is black. This way people won’t see the hinges and flaps.
But it’s important not to leave the rabbit in the hat for too long before you pull it out, but don’t pull it out too early.”
Why not?
“It will suffocate. Not that the UK is in danger of that. No way.”
And finally?
“Suspense.
You need to build up the suspense.
It’s best if your audience thinks you have no idea what you’re doing or how you’re going to achieve it for the surprise to be greatest when you pull the rabbit out of the hat.
If you start pulling the rabbit out and waving it out early, like some boring public servant with a telephone book of plans, everyone will get bored.
Are you ready?”
We can’t wait. Let’s do it before I forget why we’re here.
“Not yet.
The only flaw in the plan to provide certainty for our future trading relationship with the European Union, A new, deep and special, meaningful, enduring, job protecting relationship, at the moment is that we don’t have a rabbit and we don’t have a hat.”