Downing Street offered clarity this morning to the United Kingdom’s importers and exporters with the news that the United Kingdom will definitely leave both the indefinite and the definite custom’s union.
“This is the certainty we’ve been waiting for,” said a farmer standing at the border with the Republic of Ireland and about to move a herd of cows across the road, which is the border,
“now I know I have to plan for ridiculous delays, increased costs and the potential return of paramilitary violence, I feel great. Certainty means certainty.
It’s nice to know that Downing Street, and England in general, are focused on the real dangers to my living and personal safety in my future. And I’m sure they’ll pull a customs union rabbit out of the hat that keeps everyone happy anyway. They’ve still got a year or so to invent it.”
And the farmer was further encouraged by the big shift announced that once the United Kingdom is free of the tyrannical tyranny of a multinational trade dispute arbiter, individuals and businesses who believe their competitors are not playing by the agreed rules, will be able to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show.
“I can’t believe our luck,” the farmer added, “to know that a proven resolver of disputes is prepared to take up the duties once performed by the ECJ is just adding further to my sense of impending doom, bankruptcy and terror. I wonder if I’ll be lucky enough to get on the show?”
Jeremy Kyle himself was not available for comment about the exciting re-direction in his carer, said to be currently undertaking a lie detector test to certify for insurers that he is not going to lie when he settles disputes.
We’re just making this up as we go along. We’re Global Britain 2.0, Imperial Reboot edition.
“Jeremy Kyle means Jeremy Kyle,” said Theresa May.