The Eurocratic superstate was trembling in its boots today after Downing Street fired the first trade in a trade war by threatening to shoot itself.
“They need to know we mean business,” grumbled Kwasi Kwarteng, MP for Speltthorne, Surrey, “that they can’t just threaten to attempt to maintain a frictionless border with the United Kingdom. We won’t stand for it. We’re prepared to do what it takes to come out on top.”
It was a reassuring statement for people wondering how on earth a nation of 65M, currently sliding down the scale of world economies, is going to face off a united union of nearly half a billion people, comprising the largest trading bloc on earth.
“This is classic divide and conquer,” Kwasi added, “We’ve divided ourselves and now we invite the EU to conquer.”
It’s not certain how the obscene superstate will respond as it’s yet to finalise its plans for a EU army.
“We’ve got them on the run,” Kwarteng added, “you see this loaded shotgun, you see both barrels pointed at my feet, you see my finger sliding around the trigger? I’m prepared to pull the trigger unless…”
Unless the EU gives us the cake and eat it trade deal we’re demanding.
“I’ll let you in on a little secret though,” said the Conservative Party Brexiter, “we actually want to pull the trigger. You may not have noticed, but the people really, really keen on Brexit and Brexit of the hardest kind, are all disaster capitalists most likely working hand in glove with an ill intentioned foreign power.
I’m amazed we’ve got away with it this long. Although the complicity of the official opposition, thus far, certainly helps.”
Kwasi went on to confirm he would be appearing on all BBC outlets over the coming days because all the usual Tory MP’s shoved out for the purpose of lying through their teeth to the country are currently a bit shop soiled.
“We’ve got to get better at our set ups,” Kwarteng admitted, “Probably best to keep Jacob Rees-mogg out of the planning from now on. His little conspiracies keep blowing up in his face.”