The poster boy for the Victorian throwback wing of the Conservative Party was involved in fisticuffs yesterday at a University somewhere quite a long way from London. Jacob Rees-Mogg, normally urbane and peaceful, has clearly been radicalised. The finger of suspicion is being pointed at Jeremy Corbyn.
“This distinct shift towards violent behaviour is typical in individuals who have been radicalised,” explained Prof Brian Washing, who specialises in such cases. “Mr Rees-Mogg must have been exposed to radical and subversive views. The most likely situation is one’s place of work. The most likely agent is someone you don’t suspect. Like a gentle, elderly man with a white beard who wouldn’t say boo to a goose.”
Rees-Mogg’s fan club has seized upon Prof Washing’s words with glee. “It’s so obvious!” spluttered long-standing Tory backbencher Sir Ebenezer Tophinose-Chinlack. “Jeremy Corbyn! His radical extremist left-wingery has infiltrated the House Of Commons. It’s a deliberate ploy to undermine democracy!”
Sir Ebenezer, who attends sessions in the Commons whenever the bar closes, warmed to his theme. “It’s part of a Marxist conspiracy, stirred up by the disgusting left-wing media,” he continued. “Unfortunately, Jacob seems to have been infected by it. These people are poisoning the public debate in the name of balance. It has to stop! The Commie press are having a field day.”
Labour failed to put up a spokesman to argue their case. This, admittedly, is in part due to new reporting rules, brought in by the government and meekly endorsed by the BBC. It decrees that there should be two sides to any debate. These are, roughly speaking, pro-Brexit and anti-Corbyn.
Meanwhile, back at his home in London, Corbyn was surprised by reporters as he stepped out this morning to do a little light weeding. “What? Young Jacob involved in a brawl?” he stuttered, clearly surprised. “Not possible. Check your sources. It sounds like fake news to me.”
At these dangerous words, the police were called. Corbyn was dragged off to a correctional facility, where he will be forced to say “Brexit Means Brexit” over and over again until he means it.