Rising local radio star, James O’Brien, can expect to be questioned on suspicion of arson after a furious first time caller spontaneously combusted.
”It seemed like a normal Tuesday,” B Crachit, the unfortunate caller’s neighbour told LCD Views,
“I’d just finished walking around the block highlighting dog mess with fluorescent paint. I do it 10:30am every morning, without fail.
I was going to my door when I saw smoke coming out of my neighbour Bobby “Brexit” Bobby’s letter slot.”
Crachit said he didn’t think anything of it at first.
”Bobby is always bbq-ing in his living room. He says it’s better for the environment. I thought he was just doing some sausages or something.”
It was only when Crachit entered his own home and heard the radio, which he’d accidentally left on, that he cottoned on to something amiss.
”I heard James having a robust exchange of views with a patriot who was in the middle of dishing out a WW2 history lesson, something about how we would have won the war without the USA, the Commonwealth, the Soviet Union and various European countries, because we’re British, when I twigged it was Bobby “Brexit” Bobby from next door.”
Crachit says he decided he better go around before Bobby got himself “in a spot of bother”, which he was likely to do when talking about WW2.
”I was just about out the door when Bobby started screaming for James to phone 999 for him because he was on fire. I’m not sure, but I think during the exchange he may have accidentally absorbed a fact relating to trading conditions under WTO terms.”
Crachit added that he rushed around to Bobby’s to find him flailing about the front door, still holding his Nokia, attempting to put out the flames licking his bollocks, by shouting,
”They need us more than we need them James! They need us more!”
”That O’Brien is a danger. Luckily I was able to extinguish Bobby this time by rolling him about the lawn. But the chances of a repetition of this shouldn’t be ignored.
If you ask me, it’s time for a little health and safety gone mad before someone gets so hot under the collar, they get a stubble burn.”
Or a pants fire.
We contacted both LBC, James O’Brien and the emergency services for comment, but they said, bugger off, you’re satire.