Prime Minister Theresa May is secure in her position, claim political experts. Although we will not publish the full analysis here, we will instead offer a précis. Nobody in their right mind would touch the job with a bargepole.
This begs the question, who in their right minds would get into the cabinet, or even go into politics in the first place?
It is clear, though, that only the most deluded egomaniac with no real idea about how diplomacy works would even consider the job at present.
The 1922 Committee has already put feelers out to Donald Trump.
Trump made encouraging noises. “I could run the UK! In between holes of golf! I could be King Donald! I love Englandshire! Great!”
Unfortunately for him, the lack of an invitation to the forthcoming Royal Wedding has ruled him out.
Besides, Boris Johnson is unlikely to tolerate another incoherent blond clown on his patch.
One of the co-authors of the analysis, Lewsin McRedibility, spoke to LCD Views. The report, entitled “Passing On The Poisoned Chalice: Passing The Prime Ministerial Buck” is due to be published shortly.
“We analysed the post of Prime Minister, and decided which personal qualities it needed,” explained McRedibility.
“Guts, conviction, charisma, eloquence, and the ability to lie convincingly under pressure. Cameron was a spineless wimp, Blair an empty façade. The less said about Gordon Brown the better!”
“May is one of those least unacceptable figures, like John Major. PM by default,” he continued.
“But with Brexit there is another strand to the job. Brexit can only weaken the UK’s global standing, yet the PM must be seen to be proving what a bloody good idea it is.
None of the current bunch is up to the task of convincing the public, which is odd, since most of them are lawyers. It has become the job nobody wants, like England football manager.”
So, what about the current crop of likely lads? Boris is a liability; Hammond refuses to even try to embrace Brexit; Hunt, Gove, Rees-Mogg and Fox are too universally loathed; David Davis needs assistance putting his trousers on the right way.
Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Enter St Nigel of Farage. Let’s hope Boris will lend him a wig and a red nose.