LCD Views’ crime and punishment correspondent has heard that secretary of state for ballsing up in Europe, David Davis, has been arrested and charged with assault after taking a good, hard look at himself in the mirror.
“He was warned by his therapist not to look in the mirror sober,” our source at the Met alleges,
“Apparently, he was woken up this morning early, by the fox terrier next door banging its toy against the party wall, and he decided he needed to micturate.
He went to the bathroom and accidentally saw his reflection in the bathroom cabinet’s door mirror.”
It’s believed Mr Davis stared at himself for several minutes.
“It’s the first time he’s taken stock of himself since about 1982. And the longer he looked the more furious he became.”
All those youthful ideals first compromised, before being abandoned?
“Oh, I don’t know if he got that deep in. To be honest, he probably only dipped in his toe. But it was enough.”
It’s believed Mr Davis refused to back down, even after he saw Mr Davis’s eyes clouded with first irritation, and then proper rage.
“A neighbour called the police when they heard what sounded like a wild struggle occurring. Reportedly, there was so much screaming and swearing, they thought a drunken rugger team had fallen out with themselves after a night on the tiles.”
While this report is not confirmed, it’s believed Mr Davis is currently hoping to get bail in time to appear before the House of Lords EU Committee at 2:35 this afternoon.
“To be honest, if he can’t get bail, it will be a relief of the Lords. They’ve actually got work to do, unlike David Davis, who’s more of a sideshow.”
Apparently it was all the lies that set him off.
“When he realised that he’d been lying to himself all these years, he just lost it.”