A rampant infection is sweeping cyberspace. The seemingly innocuous Capslock virus has now affected over 30% of the nation’s computers, according to the latest figures.
The Department of Technology, which commissioned the research, pronounced itself “flabbergasted at the scale of the problem”.
Spokesgeek Mike Rosoft explained the government’s position to LCD’s Clever Interwebby Stuff correspondent. “To be quite honest, we are struggling to cope,” he admitted. “It will take time, but our best abacus is on the case.”
“Unfortunately, years of underinvestment and cuts have left us vulnerable,” continued Rosoft, waving his hand vaguely at his desk, which boasted a typewriter and a Bakelite telephone. “The spotty teenage hackers are always one step ahead.”
Rosoft went on to describe the Capslock virus in detail. “It’s a weird one,” he said. “It doesn’t access personal details or stop your device from functioning. It’s an example of a computer virus crossing over to affect humans.”
In itself, the virus is harmless – at least to electronic devices. It has been endemic for years. But the effects upon a human coming into contact can be severe and disturbing. Symptoms include frothing at the mouth, verbal diarrhoea, and reading the Daily Mail.
Sufferers also tend to display punctuation deficit disorder, and blindness in one eye. Repeated exposure can lead to outbreaks of Tourette’s.
Rosoft felt obliged to call in reinforcements. “I employed my mate Mike Uvverupp to help out,” he said. “Mike actually owns a mobile telephone. It’s amazing that you can now make a call anywhere using a device the size of a small suitcase!”
The Department clearly has the matter under control. However, viruses are known to spread through social interaction, via media such as Facepamphlet and Snapgossip. Sufferers are advised to quarantine themselves to prevent the Capslock virus infecting others.
The virus has not yet affected those using CapslockedIn.