Anna Catharina Bischoff has spoken only to LCD Views’ family tree reporter today to refute claims of links to Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, claiming “he’s adopted and I’ll go on Jeremy Kyle to prove it”.
The mummy, discovered in its testing place in a church yard in Basel in 1975, has refused to talk to the press for decades out of fear of scandal.
“I was worried the media would obsess over my syphilis,” Anna said,
“it never occurred to me the prophecy that haunted me while I was alive had come true.”
Anna goes on to state that she wasn’t superstitious in life and she’s not about to start being so after death.
Rejecting claims she was the great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother of Boris Johnson, she advised,
“Those boffins with their fancy toys best run that silly DNA test again, but this time on TV. That’ll set the record straight. If they will not I will sue for defamation.”
But how does she account for the prophecy?
“You mean related to the rumour, which I deny, in which a blonde beggar woman, who I refused shelter for a night, which I also deny, cast a spell on me?”
That one yes.
“In which she cursed me to be the great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother of a blonde haired, narcissistic, man child who would attain high political office only to use his position and influence to risk plunging Europe back into a spiral of division that could eventually lead to repeating the bloody and horrifying lessons of the 20th century?”
Yes, that one.
“Bollocks.”
Anna went on to offer her other big toe for testing but warned that if it came anywhere near the Foreign Secretary she’d jam it, “so far up his waffling ass he’ll curse the day he invented the banana straightening machine.”
Jeremy Kyle’s production company is reportedly ready to offer a six figure sum to ensure everyone has heard of the escalating scandal. Tune in. Drop in. Tune in. Drop out.