LCD Views’ has the patriotic duty to announce today that the government has ordered the Royal Navy to send its last frigate on a mission to divert the first ferry to travel between Cork, Ireland and Santander, Spain.
“Ireland and Spain are attempting to subvert the will of the people,” Boris Johnson will tell a media scrum this lunch time,
“the people of Britain, and Northern Ireland, delivered an overwhelming mandate on the 23rd June, 2016, to disrupt day to day life as much as possible across all the islands.
In fact, the mandate delivered by Northern Ireland alone should have led to the hardest of Brexits already.
They know that an imaginary customs border arrangement, made entirely of sponge and cheesecake, will more than suffice to stop any of the minor ramifications no one at Westminster is losing any sleep over and hoping will magically solve themselves, as with the boring Irish border question.
We are not going to allow the breakaway province of the Republic of Ireland, to upset the apple cart by simply doing what the rest of the world will do in 2019, ignore and go around us.
We are imperially minded towards Ireland still, it’s in our ruling Tory DNA, and don’t you forget it!”
The frigate, HMS Swansong, is currently in dry dock at Portsmouth having a Napoleonic era, mermaid figurine fitted to its prow.
“Once the mermaid, Starbucks, is fitted to the prow and its bust polished, the Swansong will be positioned off the coast of Cork and ready to pounce!”
The plan afterwards is to forcibly divert the Brittany Ferries’ boat to the coast of Cornwall. There it will beach in Mousehole harbour, climb up the harbour steps and begin to traverse across England on magic stilts designed by Mr Johnson.
This will deliver the economic boost to Cornwall promised by Brexit. More than compensating for any losses from EU development funding and investment.
“It ensures so much revenue generated from VAT alone, as the ferry stops at motorway services, that the NHS will be certain of funding forever.”
Afterwards, the HMS Swansong will travel to Dublin and capture the Irish Ferries’ tub, which intends to run between Dublin and France. This will be just before the Russians sink it.
“You can’t just subvert the will of the British people by making our mainland an irrelevance for your pocketbook going forward. We won’t have it.
And if it happens, we’ll deny it is happening. Pufflefabble!
Now, I’ve got to go and deliver a rubber cheque to the NHS before Hunt organises a counter offensive.”
Commemorative plates picturing the mermaid Starbacks on the HMS Swansong can be purchased direct from the 10 Downing Street shop, but only while stocks last.